My "Unicorn" Husband Wasn't Always Amazing: The Real Story Behind Our Happy Marriage
"It's not really fair to talk about Chris… he's like a unicorn - most husbands are NOT like him."
A friend said this to me recently, and while I'd agree that my husband is pretty amazing, it made me realize something important:
I don't talk enough about the early parts of our relationship when things were NOT amazing.
In fact, sometimes they were really, really bad.
The Truth About Our "Perfect" Marriage
Let me paint you a picture from about 10 years ago:
I'd come downstairs after spending over an hour putting the kids to bed, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And there would be Chris, sitting in his chair with a cocktail, watching TV while scrolling on his phone.
Meanwhile, there were piles of laundry waiting to be folded, dishes stacked in the sink, birthday parties to plan, and summer camps to organize.
I would be rageful. Not just mad - RAGEFUL.
"Dude, why are you having a drink?!" I'd snap.
And we'd launch into our loop fight - the one where he's always wrong and I'm always right. The one where I felt like he was constantly doing things just to annoy me, and I couldn't figure out how to get through to him.
Sound familiar?
What Changed Everything (Spoiler: It Wasn't Him)
Here's the plot twist: I changed first.
I realized I had my own stories and judgments about why Chris was "making mistakes" or doing things that triggered me. Usually, I assumed it was because he didn't care about me or wasn't listening to me.
But then the truth came out.
Chris shared with me how much he was constantly trying to get things right by me. How crushing it was when I got upset with him for not doing something "right" - because he actually was trying.
Understanding that completely shifted everything for me.
It made me feel softer toward him and helped me make peace with the fact that Chris is human too, and he's doing his best.
The Real Work of Marriage
With that awareness, I was able to:
Hold my patience more often
Ask for things in constructive rather than destructive ways
Approach our differences with curiosity instead of criticism
And yes, you could say I'm lucky that he was receptive to these changes. That his behavior DID shift when I started changing my side of the street.
But here's the real truth: We still get into our loop fight. He still does things I think are "wrong." It's a constant practice to stay connected in spite of all that.
Eighteen years later, I really love him and really like him... but he still drives me batshit crazy sometimes. 😉
Why I'm Sharing This
I'm telling you this story because I want to normalize expectations in your own relationship.
Nothing will ever be perfect. But the journey can be a lot more productive - and even fun - when you approach it with the right attitude and tools.
If you're reading this thinking, "But Andrea, you're a therapist! Of course you figured it out!" - remember that being a therapist doesn't make you immune to relationship struggles. If anything, it made me more aware of how stuck we were getting.
The difference was learning practical tools to break out of those destructive patterns before they spiraled out of control.
Breaking Your Own Loop
Maybe you're in your own version of our loop fight right now. Maybe you're feeling like you're always the one trying to fix things, or like your partner just doesn't get it.
Here's what I want you to know: You can't change your partner, but you can change how you respond. And often, that's all it takes to shift the entire dynamic.
The tools I learned (and now teach) aren't about becoming a doormat or always being the "bigger person." They're about communicating in ways that actually work - ways that help you feel heard and help your partner feel safe enough to really listen.
Your Next Step
If you're tired of having the same fight over and over again, I created something specifically for you: Loop Breaker. It's a mini-course where I walk you through 5 powerful tools that will help you communicate better and prevent fights from escalating - even if you're the only one making changes right now.
Because here's the thing: someone has to go first. Someone has to break the pattern.
Why not let it be you?
To your love (and your sanity),
👉 P.S. Want more ways to shift your communication patterns?
Start here:
Loop Breaker – The toolkit to help stop fights before they spiral out of control
Annual Relationship Review – A free resource to help you reflect, reconnect, and recommit
Take the Connection Quiz – Find out how strong your foundation really is
