12 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self Before Getting Married
If you’re already married, here’s a fun question to spark connection on your next date night (or while curled up on the couch) -
👉 What would you tell your younger self before getting married?
And if you’re about to get married or want to be married, what I’m about to share are great points to review for yourself or with your spouse-to-be.
I’d also recommend asking your partner these questions before getting married! A bit of joint reflection goes a long way in preparing both of you for what’s to come.
Marriage Advice from a Therapist & Wife of 18+ Years
After 16+ years of marriage to my husband, Chris, I’ve learned a lot that I never could have imagined on our wedding day. Marriage is beautiful and meaningful, but it’s also messy, challenging, and full of surprises.
If I could go back, here are 12 truths I’d whisper to my younger self about love, marriage, and what it really takes to grow a relationship that lasts.
1. Marriage Has Seasons
Marriage isn’t one steady state of bliss. There are cycles of closeness and distance, joy and frustration, connection and disconnection. Learning to ride those waves makes all the difference.
When you understand that marriage has seasons, you stop panicking when things feel off. Instead, you recognize it as part of the natural ebb and flow of long-term love. (I wrote more about this here.)
2. Sometimes You’ll Feel More Connected to Your Kids Than Your Spouse
There will be phases when your children consume more of your attention and emotional energy than your partner. That doesn’t mean your marriage is broken, it just means it’s time to intentionally bring some focus back to your relationship.
Your kids need a strong family foundation, and prioritizing your marriage is part of giving them that.
3. Send the Kids to Camp
One of the best things we ever did for our family was sending our kids to sleepaway camp. Not only did it build their independence and resilience, but it gave Chris and me space to reconnect as a couple.
I wish I had thought of it earlier. It’s been such a gift for our marriage.
4. Sometimes You’ll Feel Like You Hate Your Partner
Let’s normalize this: sometimes you’ll feel like you hate your spouse. But the truth is, you don’t actually hate them. You hate how you feel in the moment, or the dynamic you’re stuck in.
That distinction matters. It means your marriage isn’t doomed, it's just that something needs attention.
5. Household Tasks Can Become Battlegrounds
Nobody told me how much conflict could arise over chores. The dishes, the laundry, who takes out the trash… These “small” things can pile up into big resentments.
I wish I had been more prepared to negotiate household responsibilities from the start. Talking openly and early about expectations saves so much frustration down the line.
6. Time Is a Limited Resource
In marriage, time quickly becomes one of the biggest points of tension. Whose career gets prioritized? Who takes on more childcare? How do you both find time for yourselves?
These are ongoing negotiations that evolve as your family and life circumstances change.
7. You’ll Have Different Priorities
Chris goes to bed early. I often stay up late answering emails because it’s the only quiet time I have. At first, these differences created friction.
Eventually, I learned that honoring each other’s rhythms and priorities is part of respecting one another. You don’t have to be the same to be aligned.
8. Alone Time Is Crucial
One of my biggest lessons: I need solo time in my own home. It helps me reset, recharge, and come back to my marriage more grounded.
I didn’t realize how essential this was until I got intentional about carving out that space. Especially if you’re more introverted, don’t underestimate how important this can be.
9. Money Will Be a Constant Topic
How much to save, what to spend, what feels safe… These conversations come up again and again. Early in marriage, I thought money talks would taper off. They don’t.
The key is learning to approach finances as a team, not adversaries. That shift can take the sting out of money discussions.
10. You’ll Love Your Spouse More After Marriage
On our wedding day, I thought I loved Chris as much as I ever could. But the truth is, I love him so much more now.
The shared history, the struggles we’ve overcome, the laughter, and the ordinary moments all have deepened our bond in ways I couldn’t have predicted.
11. You’ll Fight About the Same Thing Again and Again
If I could prepare my younger self for one reality, it would be this: some fights never go away. You’ll circle back to the same issues for years.
But here’s the hopeful part: you get better at handling them. With time, tools, and perspective, those same fights stop feeling like dealbreakers. That’s why I created The Loop Breaker: to help you learn how to stop these fights from spiraling.
12. Dance Together Often
This might be my favorite piece of advice: keep dancing together.
Whether it’s at weddings, in your kitchen, or in the living room, dancing brings joy, silliness, and intimacy like nothing else. It’s a reminder that your marriage isn’t just about logistics; it’s about love, fun, and connection.
Final Thoughts: Marriage Is a Long Game
If I could go back and give my younger self advice, it wouldn’t be about planning the perfect wedding. It would be about preparing for the lifelong journey of marriage.
Marriage isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. And the more tools, awareness, and compassion you bring to it, the more fulfilling it becomes.
So now I’ll turn the question back to you: What would you tell your younger self before getting married?
I’d love to know!
👉 P.S. Want more ways to shift your communication patterns?
Start here:
Loop Breaker – The toolkit to help stop fights before they spiral out of control
Annual Relationship Review – A free resource to help you reflect, reconnect, and recommit
Take the Connection Quiz – Find out how strong your foundation really is
