How to Tell If Your Fights Are Healthy (Or Hurting Your Relationship)
When couples come into my office and tell me they got into the same fight again, I never ask, “Why are you fighting so much?”
I ask, “How did you fight?”
Because after 20+ years as a couples therapist, here’s what I know for sure: It’s not about how often you disagree, it’s about how you navigate those disagreements.
The Truth About Fighting in Relationships
Here’s a stat that might surprise you:
Research shows that 69% of conflicts in relationships are actually unsolvable.
Yes, unsolvable.
So if you and your partner keep fighting about the same things whether it’s how to spend money, how to parent, how to load the dishwasher…it doesn’t necessarily mean something’s wrong.
Take it from the ones who conducted the study, Julie and John Gottman - fighting is GOOD for your relationship:
The real question is: Are you fighting constructively or destructively?
What Constructive Fighting Looks Like
Healthy conflict can actually strengthen your connection. When done well, it can help you:
Get curious about your partner’s perspective
Take breaks when emotions run high
Repair after disconnection
Learn something new about each other
It looks like asking questions rather than getting defensive:
“Hey honey, what made you say it like that? Is something up?”
It also looks like owning your feelings, rather than pushing the blame to the other person.
Instead of “You did this to me,” it’s, “I feel lonely when you make that choice.”
There might still be disagreements, but there’s a calm approach to resolving them. And if there’s no way to find resolution in the moment, it involves a plan to “bookmark” the discussion and return to it when there’s more time, possibly after any high emotions have come back down.
These couples aren’t “fight-free” - they’ve just learned to fight better.
What Destructive Fighting Looks Like
On the other hand, there are a number of red flags to look out for in destructive conflict, which often sounds like:
The same argument on repeat with no new outcome
Name-calling, contempt, or stonewalling
Digging up old hurts to use as ammo
One or both of you shutting down emotionally
Holding onto defensiveness
It looks - and sounds - like a lot of yelling, interrupting each other, and starting sentences with “You…”
As in: “You always do that!” or “You never listen to me!” Rather than each person taking responsibility for their actions and emotions, there’s a lot of tossing it back to the other person.
If this sounds familiar, don’t panic, but don’t ignore it either.
Reflect on Your Last Argument
Take a moment to think about the last disagreement you had with your partner. Ask yourself:
What triggered this? (Go deeper than just the surface issue.)
Was I trying to understand or trying to win?
Did we find a way to reconnect after the conflict?
Try writing down your answers to see if anything comes to the surface. And as a bonus, bring these questions to your partner and/or to your next couples therapy session. Discuss them together when emotions are calm, and you’re not in the heat of the moment with the argument.
The Goal Isn't to Never Fight
Even the happiest couples disagree. They just do it differently.
They stay curious. They take breaks. They come back with love and a desire to understand each other.
The goal isn't conflict avoidance. The goal is connection through conflict.
And yes, you can absolutely learn this skill!
Your Next Step: Break the Loop
You might have already tried reading books or going to couples therapy…
But if your fights STILL feel stuck on repeat, I created something for you.
Loop Breaker is a mini course designed to teach you exactly how to fight more constructively - before things spiral out of control.
It includes:
5 powerful tools for interrupting your go-to fight cycle
3 Therapist-approved scripts for staying calm and curious
A step-by-step guide to post-fight repair
It’s one of the most popular resources I’ve ever created because it works.
👉 Click here to explore Loop Breaker
To your connection (even in conflict),
