Marriage After Kids: How to Keep the Spark Alive
Every summer, my kids spend a month in the mountains at camp.
And every summer, my husband Chris and I joke that we’re having a month-long “affair” with each other. We take trips, we go on dates, and we get back to how it used to feel at the very beginning of our relationship.
This year, during that time, Chris said something that stopped me.
He told me, “You’ve been so nice to me lately.”
At first, I thought, What? I’m always nice to you!
But the more I sat with it, the more I realized… he was right. Whether or not I was technically nicer, I was definitely more focused on him.
Where Did the Focus Go?
During that kid-free month, I was:
More patient
More interested in what he had to say
More likely to watch the funny Reddit clips he sent
More available to connect
It wasn’t because I loved him more in that moment. It was because my attention wasn’t being constantly pulled in ten different directions.
Without the kids around, though I missed them terribly, I felt less scattered, less anxious, and more grounded. And that allowed me to be more present with him.
“I’m Her Last Priority.”
I hear it all the time from my male clients. They say things like:
“My wife is never really interested in me anymore.” “Everything else comes before me.” “I feel like an afterthought.”
I bet Chris could say that from time to time, too.
It’s the “let me add this quickly to the Instacart order,” or reply to this text real quick, or run these things upstairs for a sec, brush Bochy (our dog) for a minute, check my email, add this to the calendar…
Always something important, but usually something not about him. He benefits but it’s not about him, and it doesn’t count when it comes to attention.
We get disconnected because we’re so focused on our children and every other part of our lives, we stop actually pausing and putting our attention on each other.
Why Attention Matters (Especially After Kids)
If we only ever have eyes for our children, over time they become our primary relationship.
This not only makes it harder for them to become independent and launch, but it also erodes the foundation of our partnership, bit by bit, year by year.
So here’s the challenge:
How do we make space to intentionally focus on our partner, even in the midst of busy lives and parenting?
5 Ways to Reinvest in Your Relationship
If you want to put your focus back on your partner and keep your connection strong, here are five therapist-approved practices to try:
1 - See your partner as someone to invest in. The same way you get excited about the prospect of a vacation, or a new business venture, can you try the same perspective on with your spouse?
2 - Schedule a weekly team meeting. This is one of my stand-by recommendations for every couple. Set aside that time once a week!
3 - Review your relationship once a year. Use my free tool to know what questions to ask yourself and each other, and set up a time every year - maybe around your anniversary - to check in in a bigger way.
4 - Start couples therapy proactively. It’s not just for crises - therapy can be a way to grow and learn about each other, and put focused attention back on your relationship.
5 - Aim for one small gesture a day. I have this running list of “tiny tips” you can do for your partner daily to boost the love and connection. Would you want to join me in implementing these for 21 days? Get on the waitlist here!
A Tiny Prompt Before You Go
Before you close this tab or scroll to your next email…
Why not send your partner a quick “I love you” text?
It only takes a moment ;)
To your love,
👉 P.S. Want more ways to shift your communication patterns?
Start here:
Loop Breaker – The toolkit to help stop fights before they spiral out of control
Annual Relationship Review – A free resource to help you reflect, reconnect, and recommit
Take the Connection Quiz – Find out how strong your foundation really is
