Resentment in Relationships: Why Naming It Matters

 
Close-up of the word resentment highlighted in blue marker on a printed page.
 

As a woman married to a man–and raising a family together–I can tell you that there are a lot of opportunities to build resentment. 

And I hear it often from my clients as well: 

“I’m ALWAYS picking up after him.”

“He just assumes I’ll handle everything with the kids.”

“I can’t remember the last time he asked how I was doing.”

“Why am I the only one thinking about what we’re having for dinner every night?”

“I feel invisible in my own home.”

Resentment is real.

And even when it’s invisible to everyone else, it can weigh everything down: your love, your trust, your ability to feel close. It builds slowly, through unspoken needs, unmet expectations, and those moments you tell yourself, “It’s fine, I’ll just deal with it.” 

If you’ve ever felt that same heaviness, I want you to know, you’re not alone. And you’re not being overly sensitive.

Resentment builds walls, and it is slowly destructive over time. Resentment is what leads to divorces. 

So how do we break the cycle of resentment? 

First things first: How to Get Over Resentment and Talk About it

It’s hard to talk about resentment. And it’s hard to hear it, especially when the things you’re being told weren’t done with any bad intention. When your partner hears, “You hurt me,” but all they did was move through the day unaware, it can feel confusing or unfair. 

So be gentle when giving it or receiving negative feedback.  

Even though it’s not easy, it is essential. 

Because sharing resentment, gently, clearly, with love isn’t just about getting something off your chest. It’s about inviting connection back in. It’s an act of trust. A vulnerable, brave, uncomfortable act of saying: “I want us to feel close again. And this is one of the things in the way.” 

That’s why I use something I call the E.A.R.S. process.

It’s a way to move resentment out of your body and into words with structure, with safety, and with the hope that you’ll both be heard. Let me walk you through it.

 
Close-up of horse ears standing upright against a dark background, symbolizing attentive listening in relationships
 

The E.A.R.S. Process: How to let go of resentment

Let’s talk about what to actually do with resentment. You don’t need to hold it in.
You can speak it, in a way that brings the two of you closer, not further apart. I call this the E.A.R.S. process. It’s a practice I use often with couples. And I love it because it slows everything down. It gives your words shape. It asks both of you to show up, not perfectly, but openly.

Here’s how it works:

E: Express it on paper
Start by writing it all down. Every piece of resentment that’s been sitting inside you. Be specific. Use real examples. Don’t try to make it poetic or polite. Just be honest. This is for you first. Sometimes it helps to write it as a story. Like you're telling what it’s been like to be you, in this relationship, lately.

A: Ask them to listen
This part matters. When you’re ready to share, ask your partner to listen in a particular way. Try something like:

“I have something I want to share, and I’m asking you to just hear me. Imagine I’m your sister. Or your daughter. Or your best friend’s wife. I don’t need you to fix it or explain it. I just need you to listen with your heart.”

You’re setting the tone not for defense, but for connection.

R: Read it to them
Now, read what you wrote even if your voice shakes. Even if it’s messy, you’ve already done the work of writing it with care. Now let those words be heard. Remember: you’re not asking for punishment or payback. You’re asking to be seen.

S: Shift the behaviors together
Once it’s been shared, take a breath. Let it land. Then, together, ask: “What needs to shift so we don’t keep circling around this?”

Some things may be easy to change. Others, not so much. You might name resentments tied to something they can’t fix, like the fact that you were the one who carried the pregnancy, or the one who had to move for their job. That’s okay. Even if the circumstances can’t change, your support system around it can. This is about co-creating a way forward that feels lighter. For both of you.

And, lastly, resentment doesn’t only go one way. 

After you read your partner your list, invite them to create their own list to share with you. 

Remember, no one is the bad guy – just two humans doing the best they can with the information and consciousness that they have. 

With the E.A.R.S. process, you can both share information and expand consciousness around the dynamics that take place in your relationship. 

And if you’re still carrying resentment…

Please know this: you’re not failing. You’re feeling. Resentment doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. It doesn’t mean you’re impossible to please. It means there’s something inside you that hasn’t had room to breathe. And when you give it a voice not a scream, not a silence, but a voice, something begins to shift. Not all at once. But enough to bring you back to each other. So take your time. Speak the truth with care. Let it be imperfect. And remember: you don’t have to do this alone.

If this resonated with you, and you’re carrying resentment that feels too heavy to hold alone, I’m here. You’re allowed to ask for more care. You’re allowed to name what hurts. And you’re absolutely allowed to want a relationship that feels lighter, softer, and more honest.

With Warmth,  

 
 

👉 P.S. Want to continue rebuilding the connection in your relationship?

Here are a few things that might help:

 

Ready to shift the dynamic in your relationship?

Start here👇🏼

 
Andrea Dindinger