“Should I get back together with my ex?” 5 questions to ask yourself before you decide

 
Silhouetted couple holding hands at sunset, symbolizing reconnection and reflection after a breakup
 

One of my newsletter subscribers replied recently and asked if I could help her sort out if getting back together with her ex was a good idea, and if it was even possible in her situation. 

I get this question a lot from my therapy clients, and after over 20 years of working with individuals and couples, I’ve seen a range of outcomes. There are those who end up getting back together with their ex and making it work. And then, of course, there are the ones who don’t. 

Let’s explore some possibilities, and I’ll do my best to help you figure out whether getting back together with your ex would truly benefit you.

Can exes get back together?

To satisfy some statistical curiosity, a recent study of over 3,500 participants who went through a breakup found that about 71% of them did not get back together, 15% got back together and stayed together, and 14% got back together but broke up again. 

A variety of factors were determined to influence this, including the age of the people and the length of time they were together. 

  • Participants over 50 years old had the most success in getting back together and staying together with their exes. 

  • Participants aged 18-24 had the highest rate of breaking up again after getting back together. 

  • Participants in the 25-30 year old range had the lowest success rate of getting back together. 

You might already be calculating which category you fall into or not, but the truth is, every situation is unique. 

One thing you can do to rule out getting back together: Be honest about your history and your shared visions. If there was any kind of abuse in your history together…. It’s a no. If you fundamentally disagree on major life choices, i.e., having kids or not… It’s also a no. 

Now, if you’re still wondering…

I don’t have a crystal ball to tell you if you’ll get back together or not, but I can offer you a few powerful questions to reflect on:

Should you get back together with your ex? Start by asking these 5 questions

When you’re thinking about getting back together with an ex, it’s easy to fall into the trap of looking outside of yourself. Why? Because you are so focused on imagining the ways the other person could change, or what other couples similar to you have done. But this will only distance you from your intuition and put you into a state of anxiety, or even panic. Not good. 

Instead, the questions I’m about to share with you are perfect because they turn the focus back on YOU. The questions can give you an accurate perspective on what you really want, what will be the healthiest choice, and ultimately, how to know if you should get back together with your ex. 

I recommend writing out your answers to these questions rather than just thinking about them. It will help you get deeper into your intuition and give you something to reflect back on later. 

 
Person journaling with coffee and candlelight, reflecting on relationship decisions after a breakup
 

Here they are: 

1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re with them?

Do you feel intelligent, sexy, confident, messy, peaceful, etc? Do you feel like you’re too much or not enough? 

2. Can you open up and share your thoughts and feelings comfortably and vulnerably with them?

Are you able to share your concerns and worries, celebrate your successes, be goofy and relaxed? Are you the same person with your friends and family as you are with them? 

3. What would a bird’s-eye view reveal about how you are when you’re together?

Imagine a bird sitting in a tree above you two. What would it see? How do you speak to each other? How do you show up in difficult moments? What does your body language say?

4. What are the benefits of NOT getting back together?

Do you see any potential opportunities or gifts if you were to not get back together? Remember, there are benefits and drawbacks in every situation; let’s focus on the benefits.

5. Can you love your beautiful self regardless of the situation between you both?

(This might be the most important question of all!) 

No matter what happens, I’m rooting for you!

And if you’d like more tips on how to make the most of any relationship, click here to get my free newsletter.

To your love,

 
 

👉 p.s. Want more relationship wisdom? Check out these posts for more guidance on building healthy love and connection:

 

Ready to shift the dynamic in your relationship?

Start here👇🏼

 
Andrea Dindinger