A client of mine, let’s call her Lena, is always the driver. Her husband is always in the passenger seat when they are in the car together. They’ve learned over time that Lena’s anxiety is managed best this way, and it prevents them from getting into fights. 

We don’t often sit down and talk about ways it can work better, how we can be a better team. It’s often easier to point the finger outward rather than asking ourselves what we can do better. 

In-laws are tricky relationships. And, they can become more tricky because we usually don’t talk about the relationship dynamics directly. Instead, we smile politely while clenching our jaw, clenching our insides, and playing “nice” when the last thing we feel inside is nice. 

You feel like something is missing. It's’ never just one thing and it’s never just one person. It could be friends who have moved away or friendships that changed through covid, plus not connecting with your spouse and feeling stressed about work. 

Now let me be clear - There’s no judgment around what size bed you have, it’s just a place of reflection to notice. Would you feel happier in your marriage if you had more space in bed? Would you feel more connected if you had a smaller bed? 

Have you ever been disappointed on Valentine’s Day? Or are you a rockstar requester for what you desire? (orrrrr is your partner psychic?!)

Do you feel like you’re always the one to step up and take leadership in your relationship? If so, how do you feel about it? 

It’s easy to get frustrated in moments when you ask for support but don’t get exactly what you need - or when something doesn’t get done in exactly the way you would do it yourself. 

My client had just told her friend how much she looooooves her dog, and that was her friend’s response. 

When our partner responds with a No or an eye-roll, it’s easy to interpret as them not listening, caring, or loving us. It’s not true, but that’s the interpretation. 

Whether the answer is yes or no, let’s normalize the question. When you do, you not only develop a new relationship with your own ability to ask and receive, but you get to model it for your partner and any children you might have. 

I was thrilled to talk to James Lott Jr about all of this and more, on his podcast A Lott of Help. We talk about my best dating strategies for singles, plus how to navigate communication in couples. 

In romantic relationships in particular, which is what we’re here to talk about, the festering anger or frustration is very likely to be aimed at your partner in conscious or unconscious ways if it’s not addressed.