when your friend vents about their spouse
I wanted to take a step outside of your relationship for a change and talk about how we can deal with conflict in other people’s relationships, i.e., when our friends or parents come to us venting or complaining about their partners. Which, let’s face it, is bound to happen around holidays.
It’s easy to take sides when you get that call from your bestie, letting the swear words fly:
“He f*cking did what?!?!”
“If it were me, I’d file for a divorce.”
“What a f*cking bitch!!” “I hate him for what he’s doing to you.”
Similarly, when adult children go home and see the way their parents treat each other, it may cause their blood to boil:
“Why doesn’t he appreciate this beautiful meal she made?!?”
“I cannot stand the way they speak to each other!”
These ideas are so common. When our people hurt, it hurts us deeply. You might feel jerked around by all the emotions your parent or friend is experiencing. And the desire to fix it is almost unbearable. The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming.
It is the easiest thing in the world to do: stand outside someone’s marriage and judge it, point out its flaws, and then try to tell one or both of them what they need to do. But when you get involved and tell your friend to leave him or to divorce her or anything at all, you’re interrupting a process that has nothing to do with you.
And the truth is, we’re really jumping in because of our own discomfort and feelings of powerlessness.
Instead, I’m encouraging you to listen with your whole heart and keep in mind that everyone has their own journey to travel. And everyone’s journeys look and feel different.
Here’s a different set of responses to try out next time:
“I hear you, that’s so hard.”
“Gosh, I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
“Wow, is there anything I can do? It hurts me hearing how much you’re hurting.”
“I feel honored you shared this with me - I won’t tell anyone, not even my partner. This is your private information.”
“Yeah, that feels tricky. It feels like a no-win situation.”
As somebody’s friend, you’re there to listen, not to judge. If you have a great resource for them, feel free to share it, but trust that they are on their own journey for a reason. You might not understand it, and actually, they might not either - yet.
It might be tough at the moment, but in the long run, your friend will work it out. And they will know that they have a true friend on their side regardless of what they choose to do or not do.
Cheering you (both) on,
p.s. If you or your friend are seeking support in the relationship department, I’m here for you. A new cohort of group coaching is starting in January. Fill out this brief intro form to tell me more about you, and I’ll see how I can help!
